How Do You Get Over The Loss Of Your Child?

How do you get over the loss of your child? Carrying him for 25 weeks and 6 days to have him born sleeping. Finding out my little angel had an extremely rare brain condition and was not going to survive. After he fought so hard. All the ups and downs to find out that we couldn’t do anything. At 21 years old I lost the love of my life. My baby. My little Noah James.
I don’t care if no one ever sees this post or if anyone does. Who knows maybe it might help someone else? I don’t know. All I know is that I need to get out how I feel but I can’t tell my family, fiancé or even my friends. It’s too hard.I have tried, multiple times. I feel stupid or silly or even ask myself “is this how I am meant to feel?” “Is it okay to feel like this?” I go through so many emotions a day, sometimes it’s hard to keep up.
Sometimes I feel so useless and that my life is now meaningless. I don’t know what to do anymore, I try to sleep through the days now so that I don’t have to face them. Falling pregnant with Noah James gave my life meaning and changed everything from the moment I found out. I was a mother. I still am a mother. Once he was taken away from me, I lost everything!
I have tried to live my life the way I did before I was pregnant but I don’t enjoy it, it’s not right. I’m not the same person I was ten months ago. I don’t care for going out, I’m not interested at all. I tend to lock myself in my bedroom most of the time. I was so prepared to be a mother, I went through a twenty hour labour and he came double breached all to hold my baby for a little while and then for him to be gone. I have empty arms now. I want my baby.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I’m happy for a little while. It doesn’t last long until the guilt creeps in. I feel so guilty because why should I get to laugh when my baby didn’t even get to breathe? It doesn’t feel right being happy when I haven’t got my baby.
I push everyone away now, my family, my partner and my friends. I just want to be alone but hate being alone. I don’t want to talk or have conversations but I hate the silence. I don’t know what I want anymore I don’t know what will take the pain away. All I know is that I want my baby, I want the sleepless nights, the dirty nappies, all the giggles, the cuddles, the first steps and the first words, I want it all. And yet I can’t have it.
I have empty arms now, I have a maternal craving that can’t be met, I feel empty, useless and numb most of the time now and extremely guilty when I don’t.
I’m a mother. I always will be a mother, my baby is just a angel.

how do you get over the loss of your child?💙💙