The Sh*t Show That Is My Life….

My life is one big fucking shit show of a sick joke. I swear to fuck, I’ve had enough.

If you have read my other blogs you will know that I gave birth to my sleeping angel Noah James on the 18th of January, since then my life has just been on a downward spiral to rock bottom. The pain I felt and still feel is excruciating.

Nothing good has happened in 2018 and when I think it has its followed by something bad or it just doesn’t last. I want to write about my beautiful godson but I don’t know if I have the right so out of respect for my bestfriend and godson I’m not going to.

I’m in such a bad place right now and I don’t know how to get out. I took a pregnancy test a few days ago and got a positive. I was so happy, I was going to have another baby and Noah James was going to have a baby brother or sister. Then a day or two later I took 5 more tests and they were all negative and the following day  I had a big bleed. I had a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage) my heart shattered, again.

I haven’t even grieved the loss of my son properly yet, I can feel that I haven’t. I haven’t been given the time to process what is happening in my life before the next thing happens, I’m not coping at all.

I honestly don’t know what I have done in a past life or whatever to deserve all of this. Having a fucked up childhood, being raped at 16 by a family friend, no wonder I’m so fucked up! But these past ten months has honestly been Hell. I feel like I’m literally living in my own personal Hell and I don’t know how to get out. I can’t cope anymore, I can’t deal with anymore shit. I am so fucking tired of pretending I’m okay and having to keep going. All I want is 2 minutes to take a breath and I can’t seem to get it.

I feel like I’m drowning over and over again and it fucking hurts. I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of fucking hurting. Why is nothing going right? I’m so fucking depressed, I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I always think there’s always someone worse off and I should be grateful for what I have but I cant anymore, I literally hate the life I’m living and I don’t know how to change it.

I want to just fuck off and run away from everything but I can’t. I can’t run away from what’s going on in my head and around me, even if I could lets be serious, I’d get to the end of my street and probably have an anxiety attack and have to come home.

I just want a way out.