I Don’t Even Know…

I don’t even know what to write, I don’t know where to start….I don’t know who I am anymore… I had already published this blog but for some reason it fucked up.

I have taken a massive step back in my mental health, that’s why I haven’t written in a hot minute. I could feel it happening for a few days before everything blew up but I ignored it. I stopped taking my tablets for some reason, I think it started as forgetting them and then in my head I felt like I didn’t need them anymore so I didn’t take them. I was definitely wrong.

I was being very snippy towards Liam for no reason at all apart from I just felt incredibly angry, he ask me for something so small and I flipped. I started throwing stuff around my room and saying awfully vicious things to him. He obviously retaliated because who wouldn’t? it just escalated and he stormed out of the house, there was more to it that I don’t think is needed to be put into this but just know it was bad.

I then went into my sitting room where my mam was, she started saying things that weren’t bad either just the truth but in that moment I didn’t need to hear is so we started arguing. She then said something that struck a nerve and pushed me over the edge, I ended up hitting my mam multiple times and I hate myself for it. I hate everything about myself and ill never forgive myself for what I have done.

I ended up self-harming again, it wasn’t to end my life, although I honestly don’t want to be here. I self-harmed for a release, unless you have been in a similar situation you’ll never understand how truly overwhelming emotions can be to the point you can’t cope and a little physical pain takes it down a little so you can actually cope a little more. It’s not good at all and I understand that but it was a quick fix that stopped me from acting on my suicidal urges.

I went to the doctors the day after, they are upping my meds again and putting me back into counselling. He checked my cuts to make sure they weren’t infected, they weren’t. I reassured him that even though I have these suicidal thoughts I wasn’t going to act upon them, how could I ever leave my little ganny? (Nana)

My family and Liam are still stood by my side helping me battle my illness everyday and I know I don’t deserve them. I cry every time I think about what I have done, I feel physically sick. It has been a couple days since it happened and I still don’t feel right. I think its just the aftermath of what has happened or maybe I’ve changed?

I personally think I’ve changed. I think that I’ve gave up fighting, I’m so tired of everything. Hopefully things get better but I doubt it.

Demi-Leigh x